Ok. So I’ve finally started to come to terms with the fact that I’ve been a tiiiiiiiiiiiny bit lax in getting to know some of Portland’s food. Oh sure, I’ve done the usual, but I really haven’t completely immersed myself in the bounty of what PDX has to offer. Well, until now. So let’s just get right the hell on with this shall we?

To say that I have a picky palate is a bit of an understatement. Having been born and bred in Oklahoma, I’m pretty much used to a non-stop cavalcade of red meat and damn-near everything breaded and fried in some configuration. Veggies tend to be an afterthought, unless they’re the throw-away kind (corn, peas). So living in the lush garden universe of Portland, it’s hard to really get my carnivore on. Thankfully, places like the Laurelhurst Market exist to help cure this little ill. The restaurant is equal parts bar, restaurant, and butcher shop. However, you are warned.. if you feel at all tempted to try out the butcher shop portion? Do go try to go by at lunch so that you can actually enjoy samples of the wonderful meats they have as the butcher shop does close down at 7, so late diners will merely be teased by the case of… folks, there’s no words to describe this case. Just take my word and go ogle for a bit.

The restaurant’s vibe is very relaxed, but upbeat. It’s easy to see that it’s a popular destination for all sorts. Young urban types, hipsters, aging spinsters, casual folk, all well-represented here. The bar is about what you would expect of a place that regards the pig as God’s greatest creation. It’s not overwhelming, but it gets the job done. The real focus here, of course, is dinner.

Appetizers were the Suppli al Telefono ($7). I’ll be honest here. Me and risotto? We aren’t friends, not one damn bit. Every time I’ve tried it in the past, it’s basically been like oatmeal. I know that most rices can be complex, but it’s risotto ok? That said, I decided that a combination of risotto, braised short-rib, all held together by mozzarella was worth a shot and found out that, luckily, this was a great call by my dining companion. Honestly, as far as fritters go, this was rather well done. Not too heavy in spite of its being fried, everything works well and the ribs truly make this snack come alive. Honestly, I could actually happily spend $7 and feast on two of those on my own for a dinner. Good and filling, but not so much that you start wondering why the hell you ordered dinner in the first place.

Dinner for me was the Steak Frites ($19) and my companion had the Your Kitchen Garden Greens Salad (small: $7, large: $13) with a side of Pommes Frites ($7). The frites do come with a pretty damn good garliced mayo that definitely enhances the overall flavoring of the fries. Subtle up front, but a little more pronounced through the middle, it makes for a good dip if that’s your thing. Granted, the fries are pretty good on their own. However, the secret weapon in the joint is their green peppercorn sauce. Seriously, this stuff is outstandingly good and there’s no way in Hell I can even begin to describe it. Honestly, it’s like watching two of the most beautiful people you’ve ever seen make love and then turn to you and go “so uhm.. threesome?” and BE SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Too descriptive? I don’t care.

My steak was a fairly simple cut cooked medium-rare and oh sweet God this cook actually understands that people who order “medium rare” mean “look, just take it past ‘rare’,” as opposed to “uhm, just a touch under burned, thanks.” So refreshing to get that in a steak meal nowadays. Flavorful and tender enough to make you work for it with the knife, but not so much that you start scouring the joint looking for a woodchipper. The steak is masterfully paired with, of course, frites (the hell else do you serve with red meat?) and the whole concoction is bathed in this rich marchand de vin sauce (basically, butter and wine) that will basically make you wonder why in the hell anyone could ever say anything bad about butter. Honestly, this could easily just be retitled “Paula Deen’s Blood,” but I doubt that’d be appetizing.. so we’ll stick with Marchand De Vin (plus you sound fancy when you say it!). The whole combination is absolutely outstanding and does beg to be enjoyed thoroughly. Preferably with pants off and the lights low, but I’m sure the good folks at Laurelhurst Market would appreciate you not intimating that you’re about to get intimate with the food, so just imagine you’re naked while you eat it.

My companion’s salad was surprisingly good as I am not a fan of the “spring mix” approach to greens. However, the Sicilian Olive Vinaigrette does actually lend a warmth to the salad that makes it MUCH more approachable. I’ll be honest, part of the enjoyment of food for me (like most folks) is in how it looks and salads like that rarely warrant anything more than a passing glance from me, but this vinaigrette actually makes a second glance worthwhile and momentarily makes you forget you’re actually eating a salad. I can see how a large portion could be quite filling. I opted not to go for the blood orange as I was wearing white and had, so far, been tempting fate with my wine sauce and white-shirt combo. As did I, my companion enjoyed a healthy serving of the frites and the aforementioned peppercorn sauce that, honestly, we nearly went to war over who got to lick out the small container.

With such a wonderful dinner, it’s hard to really try and top it, but the folks at Laurelhurst Market (crafty bastards that they are) have decided to actually invest a bit in their dessert menu. We decided to share a hunk (seriously, not a slice, a goddamned HUNK) of the Dulce De Leche Cheesecake. This was almost too decadent to be honest with you. VERY thick, each bite was sort-of like taking three bites of a regular cheesecake. Incredibly rich, the entire experience is phenomenal and I’d dare say that a visit to the market is rather incomplete without taking the time to enjoy this delicious finisher.

So overall? I dare say this was a hell of a meal and is one of the few restaurant meals that comes close to equating a home-cooked meal. The portions are moderately-sized, but not overhwelming. In fact, do it right, and you’ll rarely ever ask about taking anything home, unless you order for takeout, which I don’t recommend as part of the experience is the restaurant itself. At the end, I was happily full, but not disgustingly stuffed and that’s ALWAYS a good sign that the chefs actually understand how food works. We went on a Tuesday at about 7pm and there wasn’t a wait. However, I can tell that weekends are a whole OTHER story and you would be advised to not make a weekend trip your first outing if you want to truly savor this place. The service is attentive and damn-near invisible. Stuff just sort-of happens right when it’s supposed to and that’s great. I have nothing against attentive wait-staff, but I do have something against wait-staff that goes beyond attentive and veers awkwardly into “can I cut up your meat for you sir?” territory. So kudos to them for actually understanding these subtle distinctions. All in all? You really can’t go wrong. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have this peppercorn sauce to contemplate and I’m naked…

No.. I haven’t made out with myself.. not yet.. not appreciably, at least.

“It’s like standing on a beach where the waves are crashing against the rocks. There are 747s taking off overhead constantly, and someone is setting off fireworks right next to you. The serenity of the ocean, the marvel of technology, the whimsy of pyrotechnics – all desirable and all demonstrating some form of power, but all at once, you’re unable to enjoy or apply them.

Silence. Calm.

Put the lighter in your pocket. Ground the flights. Focus on the steady rhythm of the waves, how they roll onto the shore with unstoppable purpose, smoothing the sand as they ebb. When you are ready, direct those flights to take off as needed to visit the places you want to go. The sound of the engines represent energy being applied in specific directions. And, use the fireworks to celebrate success.”

There is so much truth to this and it’s so very well said. Thanks Brian. I find our friendship to be so unique. So much time between us and so much life, both ups and downs. Yet, we’ve never met. However, it is you that I count amongst my closest and I’m glad I can be along for your ride too.

As I go through this journey, I think about choices I have made. Decisions that had impact. And the times when choosing meant I made no choice. No, I don’t want to undo anything as I have anything but regret for the myriad paths my life has gone down. Rather, I’m quite proud of the whole situation. The ups, the downs, the lefts, and all other directions. I can look back and say that I did good. And yes, I can look back and say “the hell was THAT shit?” It’s all about balance right?

I’ve been trying to come up with who I want to be when this whole thing shakes out. Strangely, I actually do feel like the possibilities are endless here. There are so many directions to go in. Once you remove the obviousness of just wanting to be better (on how many ever levels that actually encompasses), the entirety of possibility lays itself before you. It stretches to the horizon, open arms, a willing heart. It can be a bit overwhelming too. So many choices to make and unmake. Some easy, others not so much. However, all of them have a certain.. purity to them, even if there’s violence in that purity (I’ve read “Lord of the Flies” WAAAAAAY too many times for my own damned good).  I want to be overwhelmed though. I want to hit that point where it all shuts down and the quiet comes over me and then “it” comes. Purpose. Of course, I realize that my purpose probably is in writing at this point, but I guess I’m looking for something more. I really don’t know. Maybe I want to close my eyes and have it rain dictionaries or something.

Purpose, direction.. ideas. Many things to consider and build, but I don’t know where to start. So do what comes natural, right? Stop it all, let it settle, let it fade, and then open my eyes to it all and go. But I have to let go first. Something that isn’t easy for me. It’s important though. It’s important that I begin to learn to trust my instincts, my intuitions. More importantly, to act. I honestly believe this is the source of my tics. I don’t move, so I twitch. I don’t speak, so I have little auditory spasms. My body is talking and today, today I begin to listen.

Quietly.

You walk in and tell her your world is falling apart, ask about getting comfy, and she tells you she has chocolate and you’re free to bring dinner next time. So yeah, a good match. So with that qualifier out there, let’s get on to the wrapup.

This session was good because I got to talk about all of the stuff happening in my world. Very sorry dear reader, but you don’t get all the details. Suffice it to say, life is hard right now. It was very strange to be able to tell this to a truly neutral third party. It’s not that I don’t value the input from my friends.. and I do very much… but it’s more that I know your feedback will be slightly imbalanced and prejudiced. What was interesting was in watching her watch me. As most of you all know, I’m a very observant person and I like to figure people out. So this is sort of like looking into a mirror which is by another mirror and then you get that whole infinite-mirror thing going on. Actually, it’s probably more like dividing by zero I guess….

So we did spend a lot of time talking about some of my core issues. It wasn’t an easy discussion because there are things I’m having to face that, honestly, I don’t want to face. I don’t like having to think about putting me ahead of people sometimes. I don’t like having to admit to the fact that I bury my happiness in others. I don’t like having to admit that a lot of what I do seems just so I can have some new and lofty standard that I can’t ever live up to. These things are a large part of what is wrong and I don’t like having to “fix” them because it feels like I’m upending the very core of who I am; as if I’m somehow completely going against the way things “should be” according to my philosophies and rules. Of course, I know that the nearly-infinite amount of rules that I have are absolutely needless. They don’t serve any sort of purpose other than to just make my life a series of rigidly-defined events that ends up stopping me from enjoying the very life I’ve worked so very hard to build. I guess it’s time to say that I’ve had it up to here with my rules.

We then spent time talking about some of how I’m attempting to deal with all of what’s been happening to me for a very long time. We’ve managed to figure out that a large part of what I’m undergoing is largely a behavioral thing. While there is some chemical aspects to consider… the reality is that this is mostly just in how I think, along with how I think about me. This part was hard to talk about because it deals in the fact that I’ve taken a rather different path in attempting to make myself feel good. I subject myself to a series of very violent images. It’s not me doing anything to anyone, nor is it anyone doing anything to me. Instead, it’s just me and some very harsh things happening to me. I won’t go into detail (obvious reasons), but suffice it to say, it’s largely just my way of triggering a fight-or-flight response and get my adrenals up so that I can ride a wave of opiates through my mental and emotional struggles. It makes total sense, it’s just that coming to terms with it was rather… stark. I’ve always had a love of music and it always made me feel better, so it’s time that I got back to using music as a tool to try and cope with things, instead of horrendous and violent visual imagery. So while the problem isn’t solved yet, it at least has some sort of solution and that matters more right now anyways.

And that brought the session to an end. There’s still more to cover, so very much more. I’m both excited and nervous to be on this journey. Excited for obvious reasons and nervous because I’m still not 100% sure of what I’m going to find when I start spelunking in the depths of my own soul. I know there’s a lot down there, but I really can’t tell how big it is because it’s so very dark. That said, it’s time to put on a light and make my way down…

Going to see a new counselor is always an interesting experience. What will they be like? Are they nice? Will they actually listen? What if they come onto me? In theory, do I tip them if they do? Questions, questions, questions.

I was pleased to discover that my therapist is a very cool lady. She’s very liberal and very understanding of all the wacky proclivities of my life (kink, perversions, the fact that I read comics at age 35) and that’s nice. She’s very patient and also very engaging. She has no problem asking lots of questions that actually lead somewhere. So she does seem like a good fit and that helps.

The session was good. I was very open and honest about things. When asked what brought be there, I told her that life was very difficult right now; my marriage is having issues, I’m generally withdrawn from life, and I’m thinking about some very bad and scary things. Being a professional, she took these things in stride. I felt very good after that. It felt good to be able to say all of that and to know that it means I’ll be better soon(ish). We spent a lot of time just talking about each other, as is the custom when therapy first starts. Interestingly enough, she’s from the South as well (Texas, is all I’ll say), so we understand each other on that strange Southerner level. That’s nice.

I think this session went well because it was mostly just us getting to know each other. After her asking me if I liked her (indeed I did), we figured that I’d start coming back weekly, starting March 3. I’m appreciative of the fact that she has evening hours. So now I won’t have to worry about trying to get time off of work and such. So it does indeed appear that this is a good fit for me. So hooray for that.

As stated before, my next appointment is on the 3rd and is an evening appointment. So while this particular visit was fairly pedestrian, I imagine the next one will be a little more intensive as we start to make our way through the issues that are occupying the most space in my head.

So go watch it and familiarize yourself with it. It’s ok, I’ll wait…

-3:29 later-

Hey there. Welcome back. Good song innit? Yeah, I just happened across it tonight while looking for something else and found it rather poignant. You see, tomorrow (well, since this will be past-tense soon enough, I mean Wednesday, February 17th) I start the hardest fight I’ve ever fought. Tomorrow I am finally attempting to shed myself of the pain, misery, suffering, and confusion that’s surrounding me by going into therapy in order to try and beat this.

The honest truth is that I’ve lived with this entirely too long and, far too many times, I’ve tried to fight this alone. Were I stronger, perhaps I could do this on my own.. but, for now, I’m not. I’m very weak, but I also finally realize that my heart is stronger than anything that’s been thrown at it in the past and if I can just hold on to that, then I may very well be ok.

I’ve been so very many things in this life of mine: boy, man, father, lover, husband, confidante, pervert, brainiac, cultured, gear-head, strong, weak, but the one thing I haven’t ever been is at peace. Yes, I’ve tried the whole “fake it till you make it” thing, but it simply doesn’t work for me. So I have to try a more direct approach. I have to actually go up against this head-on and hope that, somehow, I can fight my way through it and come out on the other side. I know I’ll be scratched up, bruised, bloody, and exhausted.. but it’s my hope that, ultimately, I’ll be ok.

One of the things that truly scares me about this is that I’m going to have to face some fundamental truths about my life and make some difficult decisions. There is much change in my future and I don’t deal well with change because I try to find this emotional detente (here) and this process will most assuredly threaten to upset the delicate balance that I’ve worked hard to achieve, but utterly failed to realize. But I guess it comes down to the old adage about making omelettes, breaking eggs and the necessity therein.

And then there’s this. This blog. Why am I bothering to post this? Well, it’s come down to the fact that I am a very open person. It’s not JUST that I’m looking for some level of attention (let’s be honest, I obviously am), but it’s also because I want to be a point of reference for people. I want them to watch me go through this and know that they too can do it and it won’t be so bad. While there’s a certain level of singularity in what I need to do, I’m still hoping that I can bring others out with me. After all, nothing perpetuates joy more than spreading it around, right? Plus we all know my penchant for writing.

So this will be a very open documentation of the struggle with this. I plan to write after every therapy session; to try and keep some living record of this journey. I know that it won’t always be light and joyous.. there are times that it will be darker than anything I’ve ever dared imagine, so this journal will be critical in ensuring that I don’t lose sight of where I am. It may be a faint light in the darkness, but it comes down to the simple words of Saint Francis Assisi:

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle

You see, the reality is that sexual politics is such an ignorant waste of time and effort. It’s much like the Civil Rights situation back in the 60’s. What could have been a fan-damn-tastic opportunity to show that we were about ready to adapt and come to the realization that black folks were no different than white folks just turned into an absolute feast of total ignorance. And the whole “gay” thing happening lately is pretty much heading in the same stupid direction.

Don’t get me wrong, much like the Civil Rights situation, gay folk are having to face a wall of absolute stupidity. Between people who think that America has a socio-religious obligation to prevent gays from doing anything more than hide their own existence, having to deal with their own who organize incredibly obnoxious “gay pride” events, it’s amazing that gay folks can really accomplish anything at all since it seems like everything aligns against them. And then this Houston thing hits.

Honestly, why do we care? Yes, it’s cool and all, but seriously.. Why. Do. We. Care? Sexual orientation has absolutely no relevance in this “Internet Age” aside from being the base for jokes. That’s it. It’s just one more way to make fun of people and give satirists (like myself, of course) one more way to poke fun at things. That’s it. Nothing more. It’s not like gay folks have some greater or lesser ability than the straight folks. Gay folks do stupid shit just like everyone else.. except some of them do it a bit more stylishly (see, satire!). That’s it though. That’s the absolute truth about this whole situation and it’s the thing that just makes me all sorts of ragey.

I really do wish that, as a society, we could just move on from seeing differences in people outside of two critical arenas: dating and humor. Seriously. It seems like ever variance from some pre-defined model of “what works” gets pointed out and celebrated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that some of these folks don’t overcome some major obstacles, but most of them would really rather that everyone just shut their damn trap and stop seeing them as different. Endlessly celebrating something like what happened in Houston (or the election of President Obama) just weakens the cause overall and quickly reduces it some cause celebre that, eventually, just attracts hangers-on who are mostly interested in being associated with a cause, as opposed to being an actual working part of said cause.

And I think that’s part of what really has made this whole “Gay Rights” movement such an annoyance to me as well. Yes, there are some folks in this movement who are genuinely concerned with trying to educate the population as to the exact reasons why thinking that gay folks are any difference is a logical fallacy. They have made some pretty damn good progress in this whole thing and I salute them for it. I wish I could call them out by name, but I can’t because that is how they’ve managed to do it. No huge celebrations, no big endorsements, nothing. They just let people know and then decided to spend more time SHOWING them.. So every time I see a “Gay Pride” event or some sort of huge gay this-or-that, I just shake my head because I know that the root there is people who are so depserate to emulate the protest-mindset that their parents (hippies, inevitably) had. They want to be able to go to their parents and say “look look look, I protest against The Man too!!!!” I can guarantee you that, outside of signing petitions and holding up retarded signs, these people have no fundamental idea of what’s really going on.

So congrats Houston. Thanks for setting sexual politics back at least 5 years by actually re-introducing the idea of Sexual Politics.

Oh and to Mayor Parker. Good on you for winning this. Don’t fuck it up.

Frankly speaking, I’ve hit a point where I’m tired of trying to deal with a world where ignorance is the norm and forward-thinking is an anathema. Problems are typically solved in a band-aid approach and then just hoped that the patch just holds. Nepotism runs rampant. It’s not important what you know, it’s just can you follow a specific set of actions. Why allow people to figure out new ways and solutions when we have a knowledge base that’s poorly planned and constantly out of date. Why even have corporate communications whenever it’s obvious that various aspects of the company just put things out into production without so much as giving even a casual thought to what this might mean to the organization as a whole. This is the norm and it has, quite frankly, become disgusting to me.

Currently the organization is on a kick to start sending out massive emails when fellow employees get compliments from customers. Don’t get me wrong, these employees deserve them, but the entire process just sickens me. We’re being praised for actually doing our jobs. Our customer base has reached a point where even the most basic of actions from us are celebrated. Well, I say that, but the reality is that we’re practically begging for them to please, for the love of God, say something nice about us. While I’m glad coworkers do get recognition, I just tend to send these straight to my trash. Even I have had praised lavished on me. What’d I do? Something so simple and mundane that it’s completely irrelevant to even be recognized for it. It’s a routine task that takes no more than 5 minutes to accomplish. But because the organization has begun to hound our clients for compliments, I get some great recognition that, also, went to my trash.. my physical one, that is.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that an organization can get too big to maintain itself under its own weight. I also can see how the heads of the organization are wanting to put certain processes and procedures in place so as to harmonize. Believe me, I’ve worked for enough large corporations to understand why this is so very important. I’ve also worked for enough of them to know when it’s being done wrong, absolutely wrong in fact. The company isn’t concerned -TRULY concerned- with advancing itself in the marketplace. It’s grown so large that it moves forward by sheer gravity. So the main focus is to just keep that momentum going. Why fix the problem when physics just makes forward motion work in two speeds: slow, and moderate.

Instead of working to identify and understand problems, the company is just more concerned with trying to make its current work force adapt in many ways. You all know me, I’m not one to shy away from work. I like challenges and accept them eagerly. But the company is too concerned with not changing too much. So as a result, you have an uneven distribution of knowledge and experience. I am trained in processes 1 through 4, however I get calls on processes 1 through 15. Someone next to me is trained in processes 1 – 10 and they are not on the phones. Still others are trained in processes 1 through 15 and they may or may not be on the phone, plus they enjoy the ability to be able to solve problems quickly and efficiently. For someone at my level? I am expected to work to my level and then advise my customers that I need to pass this off to someone else. And yes, I do get the “well, X was able to do it then.” Yes customer, but X is not on the phone. You have me. I am very sorry for this in all sincerity.

So what IS upper management’s solution to this? Ask for feedback. But then, once you submit it, they find ways to show you how you are wrong, their processes are fine, and absolutely nothing happens. Details are nit-picked for no reason other than to show that something is happening, despite it amounting to little more than “well, the car was totalled, but we shined the bumper real good.”  During stressful times when system availability is crucial, it’s a running  joke to figure out which systems will fail first. Then, after dealing with these issues, we hear only from management “we’re working on it” without any idea as to what cause the issue and how they are going to prevent it from happening in the future. Information, coincidentally, we’re supposed to communicate to our clients when we deal with their issues. Clearly, accountability doesn’t exist past middle-management. Further attempts by the company to assuage some of the stresses falls utterly flat. And when it seems like things are bleak, management decides to address issues with an email that amounts to little more than “if you don’t like it, leave… by the way, we’re watching you.”

So Dear Company. I hear you. I hear you VERY clearly. Soon enough, I’ll send a message of my own.

PS: for my fellow co-workers. Please do not ask me about this. I have made sure this entry is isolated from various automatic publishing routines. If you find it, please do not approach me about it. Thanks.

Folks. Seriously. Shut up. You don’t like Fox News? Then don’t fucking watch it. It’s that simple. Feel like going on a tirade because “Faux News LOLOL” posted some right-wing story? Do me a favor, shut it. Just get up from your couch, trundle your stupid self over to a window, and leap right out of it. Yes, I know you all are about ready to take to your keyboards and fire off endless bytes of hate mail, talking about my desire to stifle free speech and other such things. However, do me a favor and put your misplaced rage aside and focus on reality for a moment.

You see, Glenn Beck says the crap he does because people like YOU and people like the very opposite of YOU give him attention. And via attention, Fox News gets dollars. LOTS of dollars. Oh sure, there was that whole “ZOMG BOYCOTT GLENN BECK CAUSE HE SAYS STUFF I DON’T LIKE!!!!” thing that happened a while back… but it was effectively useless. For every sponsor lost, another one was picked up and, in the end, Fox News barely noticed that it’d happened at all. In fact, that little campaign probably brought more new advertising and that’s what makes a business thrive. So congrats, your “symbolic victory” amounts to little more than “I can say I was part of something and feel good about it.” I don’t mind that, I really don’t. But I wish some of you all could actually be a bit honest and say that you’re after him because it brings you attention and makes you feel like you FINALLY have a chance to stand up to someone like your parents did when Vietnam was all the rage to get pissy about.

Folks like Beck, O’Reilly, and all the others have tapped into the major secret that seems to have passed every one of you by. Namely, that if you say the right incendiary thing, then people will get super-pissed about it and end up driving people over to their side. It’s the sweetest move in marketing: unpaid endorsement. Seriously. Every time one of you goes a-bloggin (or Facebookin, Tweetin, etc), thinking that you’re lashing out at some horrible beast of a man… you’re just putting at least another buck into his wallet. Someone who may not know exactly who Beck is may read it, go to his site to get the other side of story (I know, his site is all lies and horrible truths and he murders puppies while raping nuns.. I get it) and may actually go “I like this guy, let me jump on his bandwagon.” So congrats, idiot, you just made Beck at least $10 grand because you couldn’t shut up for 5 seconds and realize that he’s playing you like a fiddle.

Sure, I know the crushing irony of me making this post. But I’m not lashing out at this twit. Yes, I’m using snarky phrases, but that’s why you all read my site.. because I’m a self-admitted jackass and I don’t mind. Plus I figure that I’ll get a few search hits off this and it might inspire more folks to come read my site. So sure, part of this is me attempting to ride his coattails and, frankly, I have no issue with that. See? I can admit to being self-serving.. why can’t you?

Now I just need a book deal…